i just wanna soil my oats bro
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
