evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize