okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
