and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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