i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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