every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
someone owes me an orgasm
ugly people sure do ruin things
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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