a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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