I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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