at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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