party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You're like the curious george of whores
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
