Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
