There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
