I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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