So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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