i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
