guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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