Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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