the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize