No awkward lesbian experiences without me
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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