Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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