Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
