filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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