aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize