Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
