I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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