I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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