On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize