1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize