i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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