You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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