from now on my penis is your penis
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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