i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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