Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
