So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
