oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
