im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
