This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
