One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
