you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Randomize
