cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
