I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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