perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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