apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
