I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
