She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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