True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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