I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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