I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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