don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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