Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
