Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
