so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
