You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
