haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Alive.
So much puke
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
