he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
i think my cat just said my name.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
