Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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