he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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