the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
