i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
