eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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