Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize