smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
