i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
50% drunk capacity currently
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
