Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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