I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
