I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
