Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
