Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize