the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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