Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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