my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
